So the last time I posted, it was Tuesday afternoon and I was having trouble adapting to being away from work. Now it's Sunday night and I can't imagine going back. I've spent the last six days cooking, walking, experiencing art, knitting, buying yarn, plotting holiday presents, eating, watching football, reading, and sleeping until 8:30 or 9:00 every morning. It's been pure bliss...like breaks during college without the homework or the inevitable cold that would descend as soon as I stopped moving and sat still for two minutes.
Now that the holiday season has "officially" started, I've been thinking about how to face it this year (we're staying at home at entertaining Stephen's parents). I haven't figured out how to square the religious aspects of Christmas (because it is a Christian holiday and I no longer consider myself a Christian) with the cultural aspects of Christmas (the unrepentant, unabashed commercialism). I feel equally uncomfortable and trapped with both the religion and the commercialism.
Maybe it's about managing expectations. I love giving people gifts, and try to do so throughout the year--not just at Christmas time. I strongly dislike giving gifts out of obligation or because I am expected to give, however (managing "obligations" has never been a strong suit. The word enough is enough to make me dig in my heels and refuse to act, whether it makes sense or not). What I've been thinking about is how to escape the feeling that the holidays are obligatory and about giving material objects because "it's that time of year"--especially since I know my closest friends do not feel that the holidays are "obligatory" at all (and I love giving them gifts because I can do it joyfully and without expectations).
I think I'll approach this season as a meditation on expectation and obligation and will keep asking myself: to whom am i giving joyfully? to whom am I giving because I'm "supposed" to? And what am I going to do to change that feeling?
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